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Fannie who? (and where is she going with all that money?

The names are the confusing part, am I right?

You listen to the news, you watch a few frantic congressmen on C-SPAN, and it's hard to remember that they're talking about enormous financial institutions teetering on the brink of disaster, and billions, maybe trillions of dollars. That's because they keep tossing around names like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Sounds like something out of Dogpatch.

You can admit it: It isn't easy to take a meltdown seriously -- even a major meltdown like this mortgage crisis -- when you find yourself giggling every time you hear about the major players.

And you don't know the half of it.

That's OK -- I'm here to help you sort it all out. (Somebody has to.) But first, a quick review of the basics.

See, Fannie Mae was originally called the Federal National Mortgage Association -- initials F.N.M.A. -- "Fannie Mae" -- get it?

While Freddie Mac was originally called...something else.

So much for the basics.

But like I said, you're just scratching the surface with those two. Because beyond Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, there are all these other "government-sponsored enterprises" floating around out there, like Tina Fey and Bernie Mac.

Tina Fey and Bernie Mac are where you go if Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac don't want to guarantee your mortgage. If they laughed right in your face

when they read your application. Think of Tina Fey and Bernie Mac as your chance to get the last laugh, and to keep those foreclosure wolves from

the door.

Of course, even when Tina Fey and Bernie Mac say yes, that doesn't clinch it; they still have to send you over to Emmylou and Billy Ray for processing. That can take days while they do the final background check, and you never know what they might come up with that could slow things down even more. So you'll need to be patient.

Unless you're a bank, or something that sounds like a bank, with your own gigantic cash-flow problems. Then it's straight to Peggy Sue at the "discount window."

The "discount window" -- but you probably know this already -- is where you go to get the very best rates when you're borrowing a ton of money.

It's like a drive-thru for cash, plus you can pick up convenience foods, lottery tickets, that kind of stuff. Peggy Sue is there nights and weekends. The rest of time, you're probably dealing with Mickey D, or Kenny G.

But say you aren't a home buyer or a bank. (Or even something that sounds like a bank.) Say you're a municipal government -- a city, a county -- and you're trying to float a new bond offering to build a hospital or a school. Peggy Sue can't help you there. But don't worry -- that's why Congress created Doctor Phil, and Mister Ed.

Doctor Phil can untangle even the most complicated financing arrangements. And with Mister Ed, you're going right to the source, of course; they'll give you the answer that you'll...

Well, I think you'll be pleased -- let's put it that way.

Anyone else? Of course there's anyone else! Depending on the particular details of your particular money mess, there's Marvin Gaye, there's Jackie O, there's Jimmy V, there's Stubby Kaye....

See? Whoever you are, whatever your problem, there's always somebody ready to help.

Glad I could clear things up for you.

Next time: Building a hybrid car out of potato skins.