Christmas mourning: Getting through the holidays while grieving
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For more information about HospiceCare support groups for people who are grieving, call (608) 755-1871 or go online to hospicecareinc.com.
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Fran Coan-Meredith
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Heidi Horton
JANESVILLE — Christmas is inescapable.
Even if you wanted to, you couldn't tune it out: the incessant carols on the radio, the stacks of newspaper inserts, the relentless ads on television.
For people who are grieving, the sights and sounds of the season are reminders that things are not the way they used to be.
People who are grieving often feel obliged to dress the tree and hide their wounds during the holiday.
What to expect
"One of the first things is you're going to have to accept is that it's going to be a painful time," said Fran Coan-Meredith, grief counselor at HospiceCare, Janesville.
Acknowledging that those feelings are natural and normal will actually help you get through.
Heidi Horton, certified physician's assistant, HealthNet volunteer and parish health minister at Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Janesville agreed.
"You can't just pretend everything's OK," Horton said.
Prepare yourself for emotional swings.
"You're going to have some pretty strong waves of emotions that come and go," Coan-Meredith said.
Sadness, anger, guilt, depression and anxiety all are part of that.
So what's the best way to get through?
Do what you can
The year Horton's mother died, her father didn't want to celebrate Christmas.
"He didn't want to put a tree up or anything. He just didn't want to do it," Horton said.
Instead, the family went out to Libby's, a restaurant in her hometown of San Antonio.
"We just hung out together, we told stories about her," Horton said.
Her advice?
"Give yourself permission to do what you like. Do only as much as you feel like doing," she said.
That means you can to skip Christmas cards or cookies or hanging up the lights or any of the other million little things you do during the holidays.
Doing only what you want is an opportunity to assess what's important, Coan-Meredith said.
"You don't have to do all of those different things," Coan-Meredith said. "What are the meaningful things for you and for your family?"
Let your family know what your plans are ahead of time so they know what to expect.
Find a way to honor the memory of that person.
"An important part of the holidays can be keeping the memory of the person alive with a ritual or remembrance type of thing," Coan-Meredith said. "Light a candle or donate to a charity in their memory or go out to visit their grave."
Such rituals can bring comfort, and help people go forward without feeling like they've left their loved ones behind, Horton said.
Here's something else to remember:
"Grief gets better as the stories are told," Horton said.
That means it's OK to tell stories that will make you laugh. And it's certainly all right to cry, even on Christmas, Horton said.
Take care of yourself
Reach out to friends and family.
"Surround yourself with people who you can talk to, who you can trust and be supported by," Meredith-Coan said.
Make nourishment and rest important parts of your day so your body can cope.
"It means accepting your limitations," Meredith- Coan said.
Exercise helps, too. Something as simple as taking a walk around the block can improve your mood and release stress.
Finally, remember that HospiceCare has support groups for those who are grieving.
Reach out to others during the holidays
Certified physician's assistant Heidi Horton is relatively new to her position as parish health minister at Good Shepard Lutheran Church, Janesville.
Still, when the holidays rolled around, she knew it was important to acknowledge the losses church members had suffered.
Each person in the congregation who lost a loved one received a holiday card with a simple message such as, "I'm thinking of you as you remember..."
Even though she didn't personally know all every person who died, the cards meant something to the survivors.
Horton encourages people to reach out to their friends who have lost someone. Send them a note, or even better, give them a call, she said.
Don't worry about not knowing what to say. It's the contact that matters. If you knew the person who died, offer a small "I remember when" story about them. Or just listen to the bereaved person talk.
Dec 27, 2010 at 5:53 p.m.
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bucky08~ Really? I don't? You don't think coping with the loss of a teenage daughter doesn't count? Perhaps "gazettefan's" venom towards those with common sense is rubbing off on you and a few others.......
Dec 24, 2010 at 9:22 p.m.
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There is nothing more difficult than going through the holiday season after the death of a loved one.
In 1993, my paternal grandmother lay in bed dying of congestive heart failure. She died December 29. Christmas was never the same for my family after her death..that is until my daughter was born three years later on Christmas Day.
This year, is much the same however my maternal grandmother passed away from uterian cancer in September; she was diagnosed in June. Her death has had a very large impact on my daughter and I. Neither of us have any Christmas cheer this year. We didn't decorate the house, the tree is still in storage. The snow, lights, decorations, and music which in past years has sparked our holiday cheer hasn't done so this year. Of course there are more circumstances to the mix as well.
Though I am still mourning my grandmother's death,I am grateful for the wonderful friends in my life; my family, and for the things that matter most~~food, clothing, and shelter which many do not have. I'm more satisfied with a simple Christmas than with the commerical xmas that seems to drive so many this time of year.
Dec 23, 2010 at 4:50 p.m.
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I appreciate this reminder to be sensitive to those who may be grieving. It is awkward at times to know what to say when people want you to be joyful when the season is a reminder of a loss. Articles such as these are sort of like a freebie counseling session. Thanks Catherine.
Dec 23, 2010 at 2:15 p.m.
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It's hard not to notice the loved ones who are missing when families gather during the holidays. I miss my dad most in the buildup to Christmas. When I came home he always had me wrap his presents since he hated doing that and then we would do the holiday trip to the liquor store together. He would sit in the living room picking up his presents, shaking them and smiling. His little kid energy was infectious. But when Christmas day comes and the family gathers, we talk about him and our memories. As the years pass the pain has grown less but it still will never be the same Christmas.
Dec 23, 2010 at 2:05 p.m.
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Christmas time is hard for me and my family. We lost our brother two days before Christmas and 6 years later we lost our mother a week before Christmas. I try not to dwell on the sadness but remember the good times. I try to make it the best for my son.
Dec 23, 2010 at 12:48 p.m.
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JoyM,
I am so sorry.
Please do what you must to take care of yourself during this time.
Take care.
Dec 23, 2010 at 12:44 p.m.
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matthew516,
your post is totally missplaced.
YOU are a prime example of a person who doesn't understand those of us in mourning during the holday season.
If you can't stay on point,don't post!!!!
Dec 23, 2010 at 9:06 a.m.
Dec 23, 2010 at 8:21 a.m.
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JoyM~ I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. You sound like a very courageous person. May God bless be with you and your family always.
Dec 23, 2010 at 8:05 a.m.
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Im not sure I appreciate the way this article was written. Almost to say that people should tiptoe around those mourning. That people should not put on a happy face around those mourning.
Heres my story -- My mother died in a Sept. She always had the family Christmas at her house. Given the location, size of home etc... the 1st Christmas after her death was at my house. I was the host. All was well..... It really didnt hit me and helped me get through the holiday. At the end of the day when most left -- a man, big guy, tough as t hey get get -- stood in the kitchen and cried. Thankful for the family and freinds I had.
Dec 23, 2010 at 7:05 a.m.
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This year, we lost my mom, my mother-in-law, and my dad in less than 4 months (my FIL passed away several years ago). We have two grade-school age children. This has been incredibly hard on us, but we don't get to NOT celebrate the holidays because they are just children. I think the most disappointing part I've encountered regarding the holidays is when we put a brief note to this effect in holiday cards sent very early to those whom we only contact during the holidays, but whom we have known for many, many years, just so they would be aware, and when they sent their cards back, they just signed them, "have a wonderful Christmas!" or the like, as though they either didn't get the card or didn't care that we won't be able to have a truly wonderful Christmas. I choose to believe they didn't know what to say, but I will tell all of you - if someone sends you a note that they lost someone precious in your lives, then when you send them a card or note for any other reason, put in a note that sends your condolences, even if you aren't sure whether it's the right time. It's always the right time.
Dec 23, 2010 at 1:50 a.m.
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"I understand."
It's ok to cry or to do what is best for you.
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